12 Days of a South Oakland Christmas
People say Christmas has become too commercialized but we here at Pitt Tonight believe it isn't commercialized enough. Bring on the gold-plated candy canes and Beyoncé-themed iPad cases. Things make you happier!
So while you wait for a large man, who watches you all year, to leave you oddly specific presents under your tree, enjoy a taste of a South Oakland Christmas!
On the first day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: a trash can in a dead tree.
On the second day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: two broken bottles and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the third day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: four piles of puke, three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: FIVE HERPES, four piles of puke, three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: six missing pieces of clothing, FIVE HERPES, four piles of puke, three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: seven dents in my car, six missing pieces of clothing, FIVE HERPES, four piles of puke, three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: eight broken beer cases, seven dents in my cars, six missing pieces of clothing, FIVE HERPES, four piles of puke, three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: nine rowdy frat boys, eight broken beer cases, seven dents in my car, six missing pieces of clothing, FIVE HERPES, four piles of puke, three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: ten landlords complaining, nine rowdy frat boys, eight broken beer cases, seven dents in my car, six missing pieces of clothing, FIVE HERPES, four piles of puke, three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: eleven cops a-busting, ten landlords complaining, nine rowdy frat boys, eight broken beer cases, seven dents in my car, six missing pieces of clothing, FIVE HERPES, four piles of puke, three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, South Oakland gave to me: twelve parents scolding, eleven cops a busting, ten landlords complaining, nine rowdy frat boys, eight broken beer cases, seven dents in my car, six missing pieces of clothing, FIVE HERPES, four piles of puke, three high bills, two broken bottles, and a trash can in a dead tree.
Merry Christmas from Pitt Tonight! If you're Christian, remember to go to church today, otherwise you're going to hell. If you aren't Christian, remember you're going to hell no matter what!