Love Letters to Jesse
Valentine’s Day is a time of pure romance here at Pitt Tonight. Our host, Jesse, lets you in on his love life with these exclusive letters he received right in time for V-Day.
Dear Jesse,
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Love,
Sexbot 2500
Dear Mr. Irwin,
This is official noticed that a restraining order has been filed against you from Popeye’s Chicken on Fifth Ave. in Oakland. This comes after compelling video evidence from an employee of you falling through the front door wearing two lei’s and a Hawaiian shirt and screaming “I need Louisiana fast”. Shortly after two natural lites rolled out of your pockets. This is not the clientele we want representing our company.
Sincerely,
Popeyes
Dear Jesse,
I love you so much. I hope all is well. We don’t get much news on the inside. My wall markings tell me it’s winter. We used to make salty thrusts in your mom’s Rav-4 in the winters. I don’t have much time; the guards will soon discover I’m writing with my tooth in my own fluids…
Dear Jesse,
We’re turning your room into a guest room we can rent out on AirBnB, expect your belongings to be burned.
Love,
Mom
Dear Jesse,
I want to sweep you off your feet the way I sweep the floor with my brooms.
Love,
Janitor Frank
Dear former intern,
You have an outstanding balance of $21.79 due to the TBS studios cafeteria. Please pay immediately or you will be blackballed from late night for the rest of your life.
PS. Conan hates you
Dear sexy man hunk. My name Zlatav. I am in the Russia. Is you lonely you sexy american man? We have the problem solver: I be your bride! I am best bride in all of russia, I pour the cereal and milk in the bowl every morning and pick up the dog poop in park. Bride me today!
Dear Jesse,
This letter is to inform you that you have still not paid your $200 charge to Frank's Furry Costume Emporium from Groundhog's Day of last year. Please make amends for this charge or we will be forced to take immediate action.
Sincerely,
Management
Dear Jesse,
The things I would do to you and that tight ass…
Love,
Janitor Frank
Dear Mr. Irwin,
We do not accept zip lock bags of blood as payment, regardless if it comes from squirrels or not as you insist.
Sincerely,
PNC bank