Advice from Adviser Ronnie: Getting Through Mid-terms
My favorite part of every semester is when I come into my office each morning, bombarded with frantic emails that read, “I FAILED MY MIDTERMS. HOW DO I DROP ALL OF MY CLASSES?” and “Hot Singles in Your Area!” (those are my favorite, who would have thought there’s so many single people in Pittsburgh?) Rather than answering all of these individually, I decided to take on the task of creating a helpful guide for how you can cope with your failures. After my husband left me for a young grad student (whore), I began to re-evaluate my life. These tips really helped me, and I think it is of the utmost importance to share them with my students. For just $9.99 you can purchase my e-book, “How to Life” from GoodReads.com. Below I will share a few of my tips:
Don’t meditate, masturbate. I use The Dildo 6000, a sturdy piece of material with seven different settings and a smooth tip (not product placement), now with the ability for both data storage and a pocket (still not product placement!) This really opened my eyes to having “me time” and helped to rid me of the toxicity in my body. It was like a juice cleanse, but for my soul.
Become a better you. By this I also mean, be a different you; and by this, I mean: drink. Drink yourself into a stupor so you no longer recognize yourself. I personally prefer Barefoot brand White Zinfandel every night. I like to drink this while I listen to my mother complain about the people she works with while I play Candy Crush on my iPad. Find a drink you can become connected to on a spiritual level. Added bonus: alcohol helps you fall asleep faster so you can forget about your problems! Like unending loneliness. Dammit Jim!
Find a hobby to distract you. It can be anything from coloring to stamp collecting, or taxidermy (to name a few). I realized tending to my many cats is less of a hobby and more of a second full-time job. This is why I took up both collecting and writing erotica novels. I was always a fan of the romance genre during my painful marriage as an escape from the monotony of verbal abuse Jim used to impose on me every time he caught me eating Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie or Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter Fudge Core. Currently, I am spending my free time working on “Magic Essence: The Moonlight of the Starlight”. It’s about a wizard that falls
in love with a lion tamer in the circus. Here is an excerpt:
“The wizard gently placed his wand in front of the lion tamer. Her heart began to speed up with the ferocity of a beast clawing to get out if its cage. As she began to stroke the wand with a gentle touch, a fire grew inside her body. Using a condom, the wizard inserted his wand and began to make gentle magic, casting a spell upon her body like none other. She began to gently moan as the fire inside her erupted into a volcano bursting forth with the ecstasy of time and space and heaven and earth crashing upon one another in a passionate infinity. She was free.”
For more life tips, be sure to purchase the rest of my e-book, “How to Life.”