The Other March Madness

When people hear the words ‘March Madness’ I know that they think of the NCAA basketball tournament. They think of game winning buzzer beaters and Cinderella stories and “One Shining Moment” playing as confetti falls onto the court. But that's not what I think of. To me March Madness means the four weeks a year that I spend wandering in the meadows of my mind, contemplating morality and existence. It is the time I spend spelunking in the caverns of my consciousness trying to understand how we are already three months into the year.

Some of you might say, "Tom, that seems like a really weird reason to spiral into madness, why do you care so much about it being the third month?" And to those of you I say, “Who do you think you are? My therapist? STOP TRYING TO FIGURE ME OUT!"

But the real reason is that three months is a lot of time! I mean look at all the things that happen every three months: weather patterns change, we see three full moons, Donald Trump starts to ripen again–you’ll know he’s just right when reaches that gritty orange color, somewhere between the Cleveland Browns helmet and an orangutan’s fur.

See? A lot of things happen over three months. We are already a fourth of the way through the year and I still haven’t done a single productive thing; unless you count the week I spent re-watching all of Yu-Gi-Oh. And you know what? It was productive, because I wanted to get in touch with my younger self and through watching the show I realized that my younger self liked terrible shows.

I don’t know why March stirs me in such a way. Maybe it’s because I never care about New Years Eve. It always passes, and people go bat-shit crazy and watch a shiny ball drop and then cheer and make-out as if god himself came down and was like, “Do it, you won’t.” Then the next day everyone realizes, “Woah…I really have to tone it down. That was terrible.” Then they set their resolutions, which will last about two weeks and 20 Instagram posts. But while other people take those couple of days to self-evaluate, I get frustrated that everyone wants me to self-evaluate. The only self-evaluation that I’ll be doing is self-initiated self-evaluation!

So, every year March has become my delayed four-week quest through the depths of my own being. A real thorough evaluation. March has become my outlet for soul searching activities, like taking a walk at 5 a.m., or like eating a doughnut at 5 a.m., or like eating another doughnut at 6 am and realizing that if I’m eating any doughnut before 8 a.m. it’s not because I want the doughnut, it’s because I NEED the doughnut.

So while you’re watching the NCAA tournament this year, remember that March Madness isn’t just about basketball. It’s about me. And no, I’m not a sociopath. But I am eating a doughnut.