What *Is* That?
The world is a large, confusing place. We briefly touched on it during our fourth show, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. Here are a few more things that we at Pitt Tonight still have questions about:
Brainstorm
What is that? Aren't storms natural disasters? Why would I want that in my noggin?
And 'storm' is so vague; is it a brain tornado, a brain hurricane, or just a brain light misting? What's the course of action for a brainstorm? How am I to batten down my brain hatches? I don't want to get brain flooded, accumulate brain water damage in my brain basement, or need the carpet reupholstered. That's not an appealing thing. Is the resting state a 'brain calm'? When you're thinking are you under the weather? Writing this joke felt like a brain typhoon.
Dessert Fork
What is that? That sounds like the worst dessert ever. Why do we need this? Why must we make everything class-ist? Because the phrase “dessert fork” sounds like it follows the phrase “palette cleanser” or “backup champagne”. How bourgeois! And does having a separate fork help at all? Just use the same fork! Does your upper class restaurant not have napkins? Or better yet: Dessert Napkins? Does your butler, Jeeves, throw all your forks away after use? “Let the poors fish them from the rubbish heap.”
But seriously we don't need to label and divide our forks. They're just food shovels.
Sleeping Bag
What is that? Don’t we have beds for that? Have you ever seen a bag before? Why would you want to sleep in one of those? I thought bags were just for carrying food. If we’re the ones in the bags, does that mean we’re the food? Sure, I know when you go camping it might feel good to curl up like a warm burrito. But you know who else likes that? Bears. Bears like that a lot. Do you know what bears call camping sites? Chipotle. Camping sites are bear Chipotles. Which means sleeping bags are just soft coffins.
Stock Broker
What is that? Why are they breaking? HOW are they breaking? How do you break a stock? Do they have like special tools? Is it all the cocaine? Is it that McConaghey chest bump thing from Wolf of Wall Street? Isn’t Wall Street already broken? Shouldn’t they be stock FIXING? Or maybe building? And why do all stock brokers still use cord phones? I’m not trusting someone who doesn’t know how to use an iPhone with my money.
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
What is that? Does extra virgin mean its better at Yu-Gi-Oh or is it just the title to a weird porn genre? Is it a young adult oil that wears the Chaps collection from Kohls? Or the oil that wears Hanes underwear in the 3 pack with the flowers and neutral bras because according to their mom, "red is the color of the devil?" It seems like the kind of oil that goes home to her porcelain horse collection above her bed. And how many dicks classifies what level of virgin the olive oil is? Is her best friend regular-virgin olive oil? You know the one with the tramp stamp of pot leafs because she’s “edgy” and into “cool stuff”. And if those are virgin olive oils, is extra-non-virgin olive oil the one that made the other olive oils feel bad because they lost it at 14 at a photo shoot? Why does it matter what kind of olive oil you are? They all taste the same, they just have different labels on them.