What to Do With Yourself This Summer in South O

Sitting on your porch, staring off into the sunset, you ponder the futility of your lonely essence. It’s summertime in South O, and that means you need to find something to do with yourself when no one is around to heed your every beck and call. Here are several tips for surviving and thriving:

1. Eat yourself into a coma. With patience and perseverance, this can be easily accomplished. Eat your body weight in pizza, and use the boxes to build your summer home. This gives you both a food baby and prime real estate to make your neighbors jealous.

2. Never leave your house. Become a hermit who fears sunlight. In a fun and exciting twist, turn yourself into Nosferatu, and constantly flicker the lights in your household on and off.

3. Have a tub party. No pool, no problem! Overflow your bathtub, and dump in some chlorine for that perfect public-pool-like smell.

4. Write the next great American novel. Now that you have free time outside of classes, utilize it to write the words which flow from your pen like a fountain. Some ideas include your autobiography, or the Great Molasses Disaster of 1919, which can similarly become the next hit Broadway musical! Here’s a few lines to help you get started:

Oh Molasses!

Hot Molasses!

Burning, Searing, Molasses!

I’m About to Drown!

5. Walk around Oakland, feel the loneliness seep through your pores, and invite it in like your only friend.