Founding Fathers: Where Are They Now?
Fourth of July means more than shaking your sparklers and getting down to the groovy tunes of DJ Uncle Sam. It’s a day to celebrate what makes America so great (the answer lies in beer and setting fire to explosives). So wave that American Flag (you normally keep on your wall for Instagram photos) high and say cheers to the Founding Fathers!
It’s been a long time since the Declaration of Independence, and now that our Founding Fathers are out of the spotlight, it’s time to figure out where are they now?
George Washington
Tired of the constant wear and tear of the government, and cheating accusations with flag maker Betsey Ross, George decided to retire to his alpaca farm on Mount Vernon. After using leeches to lose weight, he started studying holistic medicine, and became an avid weed advocate. He stopped cutting cherry trees and instead started smoking them. He is currently working on a nudist colony, raising locally sourced, organic, grass-fed, biodegradable, wild leeks and lentils.
John Adams
Under his pen name, Humphrey Ploughjogger, he decided to pursue his passions by becoming a world-renowned erotica author. He is credited with starting the new genres of farmhouse erotica and bestiality. However, his most famous novel published was “Boston Massacre My Pu**y” - still a New York Times Best Seller.
Thomas Jefferson
Catch him in his latest cameo where he is a prominent and cruel slave owner in Free State of Jones, featuring Matthew McConaughey.
James Madison
No one really knows what this guy is up to these days. Everyone in the government got tired of him being “that guy.” You know, the wishy-washy one that would order a tuna salad for lunch and then spend the rest of the afternoon complaining because he changed his mind and actually wanted a chicken salad. Or that guy that one day doesn’t want a national bank, and the next day does, but also wants less national government and stronger state control. That guy.
Alexander Hamilton
After leaving rehab from living life in the fast lane and snorting way too much cocaine for any human to handle, good ol’ Hammy was destined to remain in the spot light and make the comeback of two and half centuries. He penned and stars in the hit Broadway musical Hamilton! It’s so great tickets sell out like crazy! What an inspiration! He was also brought on board to finish writing the third National Treasure film, Scroll of Lies, where it is revealed everything took place in Nic Cage’s head via a psych ward in the snowy mountains of Colorado.
James Monroe
Financial difficulties plagued the rest of his life, as they do for many people who don’t invest in secure stocks or actively plan their retirement funds.
Benjamin Franklin
Also known as DJ BJ, he fostered his music career along side Calvin Harris and Skrillex. Catch his latest song “Stamp Out the Stamp Act” feat. Nelly. You can also watch him on Vine taking some sick psychedelics and making memes, or buy some cool clothes from his street clothing line. (According to his representatives, it must be clarified this is in fact a clothing line, and not a front for drugs.)