How to Get Rid of the Trolls in Your Bedroom
Oh no! You found another troll in your bedroom! Fiddlesticks! It’s a pain to brutally murder them with a freshly sharpened axe and drag the body out to a hole in the forest floor (talk about hard work)! Use these easy steps to get rid of the next troll you encounter without the hassle of physical strain or hiring an expensive troll hunter that always seems to conveniently leave in the morning before you wake up!
Use the magic runes your alcoholic grandfather gave you on your eleventh birthday. They may highly resemble pebbles you can easily pick up off the ground, but according to Pappy John’s slurs, they’re, “Magic thing ma things GET OUT OF MY SIGHT YA BASTARD!”
Use those runes to summon the magic forces from the fairytales your mom used to read before bed, like Cinderella (the original version where everyone cuts their feet off, not to be confused with the Disney version). Use your scarred youth and tears to fill a chalice with magic water to splash on the troll creature! Grab a bag of potatoes and throw them at the troll, then throw some salt because that’s a thing, right? Always use salt for tequila shots and pentagrams!
Start chanting some Latin words, the ones you find on the back of money if you had any. “E pluribus unum! Annuit Coeptis! Illuminati!” This will bring forth Nic Cage to re-enact National Treasure, so you can use that as the inspiration to write National Treasure 3. This exciting film will revolve around the JFK Assassination and Watergate, only to prove there’s even more Treasure at Area 51! Plot Twist! The treasure is clearly at area 51 because we all know there isn’t extraterrestrial testing there, it happens between several military bases located throughout Colorado and Utah. Area 51 is just a cover for our government’s lies.
Ride through your room on a chariot carried by three unicorns and driven by a Leprechaun named Arnold, who lost his eye in the Great Lucky Charm War of ’03. Wield a thunderbolt like the mighty god you are and look into the eyes of that damned creature.
Realize that those eyes are a pool of wonderment and love and loneliness. Stop what you’re doing, you ridiculous fool. Get to know its name. Ask it if it maybe wants to get pizza and play some Pokémon Go or watch the new Ghostbusters film because it’s so empowering to watch a female fronted film. Forge a friendship filled with laughter and hand holding as you walk through the park, board game nights where you both try to let each other win, and a smile that just melts your heart like the cheese on the first pizza you shared together. And that’s love.