DNC Erotica
Cheers ripple through the crowd. Katy Perry’s latest anthem about empowerment echoes in the distance, to the sound of applause and joyous cheers of triumph. Ah, the DNC and it’s magical, mystical powers of celebrity and vulnerability. Politics. A maddening force amongst friends and foes.
Blond hair perfectly sculpted, and a text message from Bill that reads,
“Forget Monica, I always loved you.
Good luck out there babe!
P.S. I know the divorce papers have been sitting at the kitchen table for decades now, would you mind giving them a good look-over? U rock”
Hillary signs a long, monotonous sigh, as Tim Kaine walks past with a hefty brow of confidence fit for a lower president.
“Good luck out there H-Dawg,” he mutters while bro-ily slapping her shoulder like they belong in a frat house playing beer pong circa 1997. Hil-dawg can feel the sting of all those beautiful, lost souls triumphantly raising “Bernie or Bust” signs. Another long, monotonous sigh, this time full of more anguish as Katy Perry finishes her next Top 100 Hit with a fierce bravado.
“Just wait until Buzzfeed covers all of this. The kids will love that!” she silently exclaims to herself, brushing a stray strand from her perfectly wispy hair across her face. “If only Bernie were actually here,” she begins to ponder, mind racing and heart beating loudly.
“Well if it isn’t the one percent…The one percent who has my heart,” a sort of New York/Brooklyn/Jewish/also a hint of old and raspy as though he smoked cigarettes for a thousand years before deciding to switch to vapes kind of rasp of a voice, mutters from behind.
“Oh Bernie!” Hillary nearly shouts, eyes wide and face looking slightly more pretend-excited-than-usual exclaims. “I wasn’t sure if your fuel-efficient and affordable car would make it here in time!”
He placed a firm hand on her shoulder, like a handshake, but for shoulders only.
“Babe, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Let’s show that Donnie T just how to make America great again!”
In what becomes a serious and intense set of foreplay, imagine a dramatic montage that involves multiple American flags waving back and forth, fading in and out of each other like a patriotic country music video before the pick up trucks are the main setting. Imagine affordable healthcare, lower student debt, and greater funding for Planned Parenthood, and two strong, brazen politicians who are most likely not very sexually active very often awkwardly touching each other in romantic ways to only be described in the outtakes of this erotica. There is more shoulder touching, skin caressing, and bifocals thrown to the floor in moments of love, lust, and ecstasy. Katy Perry’s latest hit is not the only thing on the Rise tonight (wink, wink/co-sponsored by Viagra).
“I want your emails to leak all over me,” Bernie gasps.
“I want your anarchy inside of me, you anti-corporation monger, you. Ugh, you’re so cool,” Hil-dawg heartily breathes.
Bernie swiftly places a hand over her mouth to keep her from spewing all her dirty secrets. And in this moment of pure and dry infinity as her body vibrates into an ethereal heaven, beaming with light and life and magnificence only the cosmos could conjure to energetic being, her mind begins to wonder.
“How did this happen?” she asks herself in between gasps of patriotic pleasure.
“Why didn’t I pursue my passions and become the supply chain manager of Hawaiian T-Shirts for dads just like my father wanted of me after growing up in the coal mines? Why did I only pursue Yale, and not my passion of harvesting seahorses and sweet potatoes as a side hobby to my gluten-free candle business and cat-walking business to gain competitive advantage over dog walking businesses? WHY UNCLE SAM?! WHY?”
And in that last moment of lustful thrusting, Bernie and Hillary shouted a final echo to unite their party into one beautiful, lasting, majestic, inspiring, breathtaking, awe-inspiring crescendo while they came like lotuses blooming the sunshine after a winter storm, “HAVE YOU REGISTERED TO VOTE?”
https://www.pavoterservices.state.pa.us/pages/voterregistrationstatus.aspx