Predicting Headlines
The news has been pretty wild lately so I’m going to see if it can even top itself. Starting with this inaugural segment, I am going to try and predict the news before it happens. That’s right folks, strap in, I’m going to show you the future. Fair warning: a lot of these headlines are political because that’s what is currently constituting “news.” Now, allow me to consult my mystical beverages and we will be on our way.
Rapper Kanye West Makes His 2020 Presidential Bid, Promises To Rename Country “KANYERICA”
OK, So, Now The Alt-Right Thinks Hillary Clinton Has Tertiary Syphilis?
“I Have Some Burger King Receipts, Would You Like To See Those?” Trump Continues To Skirt Releasing Tax Returns
Late Night Guest Round-Up: Jimmy Fallon Asks Kim Jong-Un If He Can Play With North Korea’s Rockets
Is That One Actor From M*A*S*H* Still Alive? Click Here To Find Out!!!
“That’s Why He’s The Cool Pope,” Pope Francis Shreds A Gnarly Half-Pipe With Roman Teens (VIDEO)
Billionaire Peter Thiel Sues A Convenience Store For “Not Having Funyuns”
LISTICLE: 10 Ways To Better Organize Your Online Listicle
BREAKING NEWS: Fox News Internal Investigation Reports Sean Hannity Has Never Been Hugged
80% Of Americans Don’t Know Who Gary Johnson or Jill Stein Are, And Likely Never Will
Kids Are Hooked On SPLORF, Parents Not Sure Whether It’s A Drug Or An App
Fox News Reports That Yearly Storms Are Getting Worse, Also Reports That Climate Change is ‘Fake And Gay’
Local, Student-Produced Late-Night Show Loses College Emmy [hey, wait a minute]
Remember That JAWS Petition? Now There’s One Inspired By Airplane II To Make 31 More Rocky Films
‘Pokémon GO’ Update Lets Players Trade Pokémon & Kill Drifters For Points
“We Are Not Genies;” Make-A-Wish Foundation Announces That They Can’t Grant Patients Three More Wishes
Florida Man Marries Florida Woman & Has Mostly Fine Florida Children [wow, a nice story out of Florida]
Florida Man Arrested After Robbery While Attempting To Hide Pistol By Feeding It To His Pet Lizard, Which He Also Tried To Hide In His Sweatpants [lol, nevermind]
American Horror Story Announces That Season 7 Will Take Place On A Haunted Mars Colony
Study: 70% of Americans Think “Tim Kaine” and “Mike Pence” Are The Names of Their Kids’ Soccer Coaches
Local Millennial Pronounced Dead After Accidentally Breaking Both His Phone And Laptop
Hillary Clinton Lies About Liking Superman, Worried It Would Make Her Seem “Weird”
Local, Student-Produced, College Emmy Losing Late-Night Show Scores Guest Joe Manganiello
Study: More People Should Tell Their Roommates When They Smell Bad. Greg.
Sports Fan Blames His Broken Marriage on The Cubs Going To The World Series
Nom Nom: Pizza Hut Unveils Tur-duck-en Pizza Just In Time For Thanksgiving
Bay Produced, Eastwood Directed Action Film Upload, Based On Hillary Clinton’s Emails, Widely Panned At Film Festivals
WikiLeaks releases John Podesta’s Summer BBQ Tips
Facebook Deletes Trending News Feature After Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” Trends For 3 Days Straight, Thanks Trolls
Comedy Writer Pens Jokes Trying To Guess Headlines, You Won’t Believe How Many He Got Wrong