8 Celebrities I Could Probably Beat in a Fight
Here’s what I’m thinking. I’m female, 5’8, none-of-your-damn-business pounds, and have a moderate workout routine. I think that with some practice, or maybe none at all, I could definitely beat some people up. I could destroy someone in a fight, but that’s frowned upon. Especially so of celebrities, since they have to like, protect their face and reputation and fragile ego. So, here’s a list of celebrities I think I could probably beat up if given the chance.
1. Conan O’Brian
There is zero doubt in my mind I could beat up O’Ginger. Current Conan would be literally no match. He’s 6’4, sure. But that could work in my favor, right? I’ll go right for the legs! As Lin Manuel Miranda once said, “I’m young scrappy and hungry, and I’m not throwing away my shot.” Except, of course, I am throwing shots— right at his dumb tall head.
2. At Least Half of the Cast from Glee
Artie? Simple. Rachel? Easy. Kurt? Child’s play. I could 100% maim at least 50% of the cast. Sure, Blaine might be a little too much for me, and Puck could really puck me up, but I’m confident I could probably hurt a few of them. That’s what they deserve for making a capella a societal norm.
3. Heidi Klum
As you know in fashion, one day you’re in, and the next day you’re getting pummeled by a sophomore English student who knows how to kick. Watch this fashion icon go from “little black dress” to “little black eye” real quick. Project Runway? More like Project Runaway from me because I’m here to fight. There was too many puns in this section, but that’s just how confident I am.
4. Drake (Degrassi)
I would definitely lose to current Drake, I know that. That dude has a beard that could probably kill me if it wanted to. But little fifteen year old Drake, just a cute little Canadian making his way in this world? I would beat the sh*t out of that Drake. I never watched more than season one, but I’m sure he doesn’t exactly get ripped anytime later.
5. Drake (Bell)
After all his scandals with nude pics, and his co-star getting so much bigger than he is (both career-wise and biceps-wise), I’m surprised Drake Bell hasn’t been fighting literally anyone he meets. And now he’s doing voice acting? Outta here. I’m ready and willing to kick this boy where it hurts—right in the Drake Bells.
6. Ariana Grande
I think that fueled solely by my dislike of Ariana Grande, I could win a fight with her. Would we be an even match? I honestly can’t say for certain. I just know that whenever I hear Side to Side or that one with Iggy Azalea, I black out like the hulk in a fit of rage. And did anyone see the Hairspray Live special she was in? Absolute garbage. Could totally take her, no doubt. Watch your back, Grande.
7. Anne Hathaway
I mean…can’t be that hard right? I feel like most people could beat her up. Remember when she was in Les Mis? She was like, constantly being bruised just by everyday life. I think I’d win. Although she does seem like one of those celebrities that would low-key do crossfit, so maybe not.
8. Jesus Christ
Okay, hear me out. The lord Jesus Christ would have so much moral goodness that there’s no way he’d be a match for me. Sure, he’s a big dude but I—ironically—have faith. (I’m assuming he’s huge. God not making his son f*cking ripped would be kind of a dick move). But that pesky moral compass would inhibit him! And I could totally destroy him! Does that make me the devil? Maybe. Worth it? For sure.